Fat Shaming Myself

Okay, so women are the most beautiful people on the planet. Don’t argue with me about it. They just are, accept it. I love women, not in a sexual way, I just truly admire the various range of beauty exhibited by women. God is truly amazing. Women come in all different shapes and sizes. Tall, short, lean, muscular, curvy, athletic, large, small, skinny, fat and so many variants in between. As you can see from the title, I will be discussing the latter. The word fat itself has become stigmatized to mean ugly. Which is far from the truth. There are many models and some actresses (because Hollywood only has room for some and that’s a whole article itself) that are fat, plus sized and beautiful. There are a few fat/plus sized women I personally know and find them to be beautiful. There has been a new wave of body positivity that aim not to glorify or glamorize obesity or “unhealthy lifestyles” (HA!) but that teach women to love themselves and their bodies as they are, regardless of what it looks like. Health is not predicated on weight, height, size, looks, etc. It’s based on the daily lifestyle choices you make, your genetics, and environments. It’s widely known that super models starve themselves, eating very unhealthy diets consisting of minimal foods (or no food at all), excessive exercise, even drug and alcohol use. How healthy does that sound? They could die any moment just because bodies are not made to function that way. On the other end of the spectrum there are women who are “morbidly obese,” that definitely live unhealthy lifestyles as well. I have known women and men that “appear” healthy but are drug addicts, alcoholics, and eat terribly. With all that said, you cannot simply say one is unhealthy because of the way they look.

Now, I had to get all that out because I felt it was necessary, but this isn’t what I aimed to discuss for the entirety of this article. I wanted to be more candid and transparent about my own views, of myself. I have dealt with a very skewed view of myself for years, decades even. I hated my body, I hated my curves, I hated my chin, I hated everything, so, for a long time I treated it as such. I starved it, I overworked it, I drank and used drugs, I punished it. Yet, even when I was skinny and more accepted by the majority, I still hated it. This hatred was taught over years and years and I had accepted the idea that my body was shameful as the truth. Today, I am trying to lose weight. I weigh 220lbs. I’m constantly reminded that I used to be skinny, I used to weigh 150, 160 lbs. So, I’ve decided that to be the best me, I should lose the extra weight and find a good healthy median, about 185lbs. I’m doing it the right way this time, by making better eating choices, and not beating myself up if I have a cheat day. I am working out more regularly, but not overdoing it as to cause injury. So, this is all great and all, where’s the problem you ask?

I hate my own fatness. Truly, I do. I hate seeing pictures of myself. I hate the way my body looks. I feel ashamed of it, even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s maddening that I find the beauty in others shaped like myself. I find the beauty in them and appreciate them. Yet, I cannot even look at my own pictures without grimacing and looking away feeling ashamed. Why, you ask? Because I’m still programmed to hate myself. It’s been a long battle and there’s still a big part of me that believes I will only be attractive and beautiful when I lose the extra fat in my arms and stomach and get rid of the double chin. I even had thoughts that I wouldn’t even get married until I lost the weight. Twisted, right? I’m not sure why I have this vastly different view of myself. I know, however, that it’s demonic, it’s a stronghold over my mindset to keep me bound in some way. I realized I had been praying the wrong prayers for months now. I’ve been praying to quickly lose weight and be healthy. I still need to pray that I will make better lifestyle choices but mostly that my view of myself will align with the view that God has of me. It’s easier said than done, but anything worth doing isn’t easy.

Thanks for reading! Keep me in your prayers, will you? You’ll surely be in mine.


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